The Apprentice - BBIW AwardNot only did Lord Sugar award Jim Eastwood the award, he twittered about it the day after:

Lord Sugar: BBIW award to Jim . Biggest Bull Sh…. In the world

I’m on holiday, so will not see Episode 12 when it goes out, so will be unable to blog about it until the following week. �So instead, here is something fun, inspired by Lord Sugar’s greatest creation since the E-M@iler Plus. (The link goes to the Amstrad site – please note that this business is no longer owned by Lord Sugar.)

My thanks to the internet

I don’t claim that any of the humour below is original. �It all came to me at various times, by unsolicited email from colleagues or friends and is all circulating widely on the internet. �If you feel I have infringed any copyrights then let me know and I will acknowledge them or take the item down.

The Turkey and the Bull

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey,
“but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”
replied the bull, “They’re packed with nutrients.”

TurkyThe turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. �The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. �Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. �He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Management-speak

  • Blue-sky thinking, thinking outside the box, pushing the envelope – Thinking creatively
  • Capacity/bandwidth � Attention level
  • Catch a whale/walrus/elephant – Bring in a big deal or trophy client
  • Circle back – Return
  • Going forward – In future
  • Ham sandwich – When opposite sides in a negotiation or a trade �meat’ in the middle
  • Helicopter view, holistic view, 360-degree perspective – A well-rounded assessment
  • Microlight – To skim through a presentation
  • Push back – Disagree
  • Right-shoring – Off-shoring;and therefore, lay off staff
  • To seagull – To swoop in at the last moment and undermine your work
  • Sexify – To add valueless trimmings to a presentation
  • Soup to nuts – From start to finish
    ( from the soup at the start of a meal to nuts at the end)
  • Synergies – Money saved after merging two businesses, usually by laying-off staff
  • Synergise � Work together
  • Take ownership – Take responsibility
  • Right-size – Lay off staff
  • Touch base � Meet, talk, communicate
  • Uncommercial – Unreasonable

From the wonderful “Yes Minister” BBC TV series

Written by�Antony Jay and�Jonathan Lynn, here are the five standard excuses for a foul up:

The Anthony Blunt Excuse
There is a perfectly satisfactory explanation for everything,
but security forbids its disclosure.

The Comprehensive School Excuse
It has only gone wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget which have stretched
supervisory resources beyond the limits.

The Concord Excuse
It was a worthwhile experiment, now abandoned, but not before it had provided much
valuable data and considerable employment.

The Munich Agreement Excuse
It occurred before certain important facts were known, and couldn’t happen again
(the unknown fact was that Hitler wanted to invade Poland).

The Charge of the Light Brigade excuse
It was an unfortunate lapse by an individual which has now been dealt with under
internal disciplinary procedures.

And finally, since I am assuming when I write this that next week’s final episode will include interviews of all four finalists…

How to assess candidates for a job

Put about 1,000 bricks into a closed room with an open window. �Lay them out randomly. �Then send your candidates in�two or three at a time, and close the door. �Leave them alone and come back after six hours. �Assess the situation.

Carl Andre Bricks

  • If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounts Department.
  • If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
  • If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
  • If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
  • If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
  • If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
  • If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
  • If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
  • If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
  • If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
  • If they are staring out of the window, put them on Strategic Planning.
  • If they want to tell you what to do with them, put them in Consulting.

And then last but not least.

  • If they are shouting at each other and not a single brick has been moved…
    congratulate them and make them your Apprentice!

BBIW Award

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